Ive had quite a few of those moments this week that no mother ever wants to admit that she has. I never like to admit that I feel defeated, overwhelmed and have the "I cant do this" feeling. I wish I could pin point exactly what is was that was making me feel this way. Maybe just a long weekend of visitors here which results in everyone including myself being tired. Maybe its that I have been juggling 6 kids (my neice is here staying with us for the week!) all week...alone? Ok, so maybe when I write all this out it seems alittle more justifiable as to why I have been feeling this way. But still.
On top of all those things though, I have also been dealing with two of my little ladies acting up. Can anyone guess which two?? :)
Gianna and Lainey have been giving me a run for my money but this week specifically was much worse with a couple of public meltdowns. Usually I am extremely confident bringing all 4/5 kiddos out alone. In fact, there really isn't much I'm not up for doing. (After all, I did bring the 4 kiddos by myself to the zoo when Kinsley was just a couple weeks old. I definitely gave myself a pat on the back for that one).
I wont go into details at all the awful things my children have put me through this week. What's the sense of reliving it yet again? But I will say a couple things:
I have been extremely prideful in the past with how well my kids behave, especially in public. Ive judged and shook my heads so much to other Mamas who always deal with what I have dealt with this week. I hope that this week was Gods way of changing my attitude. Now, instead of judging maybe I will just give those Mamas a hug and let them know they are doing all they can do and this too shall pass. That was what I needed most this week and Im happy to say that I have some really great Mamas in my life that helped get me through this.
Having to apologize to your children is so humbling. This isn't the first time Ive had to say Im sorry to one of them and ask for there forgiveness, and probably wont be the last. At the end of last week as our company started arriving, newly potty trained, no nap Gianna was so caught up with all the excitement that she had an accident in the bathroom. No biggie it was on the bathroom floor, she just didn't make it in time. Then she had an accident on the kitchen floor. No big deal. It happens. And then it happened in the laundry room. Then again on her chair during dinner. Seriously, Im not even joking. I was so flustered. On top of entertaining guests, I had to be cleaning up pee...everywhere. That day was defientely not one I was proud of. I put the kids to bed that night and I was so embarrassed at the kind of mother I was... I yelled, scolded and made Gianna cry multiple times that day. I felt so sorry I put Gianna to bed that night with her probably feeling so unloved. I went upstairs after she was asleep and whispered to her that I was sorry and gave her an extra kiss. I promised myself that the next day would be better, and it was.
(They were playing dress up the next day and all I kept thinking was, pleaseeeee don't pee on the floor doggie! The irony in that cracked me up ;)
It was Avas turn to catch the brunt of it on Wednesday. :/ She was the only one being good at the library where public #2 & 3 meltdown happened and yet got snapped at for nothing. She cried. She told me that the way I was acting was sinful. And she was right. I knew that I needed to apologize. I love that girl. Bless her heart she said, "Its okay Mama, Im still glad that your my mama and did you know that you will always be my baby?". I giggled when she said that. It was adorable. She followed up with, "What? That's what you always say to us" Hehehe. Shes right though. Im glad we all know that no matter how bad of a day we are having, we still love each other.
While the girls and I were reading their bible before bed last night and talking about all the ways God can help us, Ava reminded us that we can pray to God about anything and he knows whats in our hearts. That's when it really hit me. Have I taken this to prayer lately? I don't think I have. I should of known that I cant do this mothering thing without Him. I prayed, a lot, this morning during my shower. One of the only moments I (sometimes) have to myself. It really helped. Im feeling reenergized, refreshed and happy to be a mama again. These little ones need and deserve to have the best of me so its time I reprioritize. God. My husband. My children.
So to all those mamas out there that think Im supermom, this is proof that Im not. I make so many mistakes, I am constantly working on my patience, and Im still trying to find a balance. Being able to admit, apologize and try to change are all the things that make me a good mama. And I know at the end of the day my babies have no doubt that I love them with everything I have.
One day, I really will miss this chapter of my life.
